Monday, 25 February 2008

Back on Track

Nine days since my last post, I can finally say that I'm over with the depression that gripped me for what had been the longest time ever. Yes, I'm quite used to being depressed but that last bout was a bit more than the usual.

Indeed, the greatest contributing factor is my work and the work environment; I won't say that my job is very much stressful or anything, nor will I state that it is unhealthy. As a matter of fact, it is quite the opposite. But there is just one catch: my work assignment calls for me to stay in the office for a minimum of four days a week and during that period, my world revolves around anything and everything about my job. Yes, there's no stress. Yes, living conditions are better. But no, I'm not truly happy.

Why, you may ask. Well, I won't go emo on this post (much) nor will I fill it with too many grievances. On the contrary, I'm blogging about my problems since I'm quite aware that the best remedy to my recurring depressions is for me to release them and not let them build up. And after venting out, it's best to analyze the cause so as to come to a solution and make a resolution that will, or may, prevent further recursions. So, I'm jotting down these facts after days of reflection and personal reaffirmation.

It's not actually the nature of the job that is the problem, and neither is the workplace. The real reason behind my recent bouts of depression is that things are getting... boring. Yes, boredom wears me out faster than pressure, because the latter is something I've learned to cope with during my student years. When exposed to continuous periods of non-activity (or the lack of challenging tasks), my usually hyperactive mind loses track, gets out of focus, and goes haywire.

I just can't stand being cooped up, and my freedom limited...While it's true that boredom is something that can easily be countered, there exists another idiosyncratic problem in the ACeS office: isolation. Even if I had been a total loner since I could remember, I am no longer one. I just can't stand being cooped up, and my freedom limited.

It is the combination of these two things, which others may quickly see as a boon instead of bane, that gives rise to the onset of depression for me. I get bored in that place, and I can't even go where I wanted to go - this vicious cumulative cycle culminates with that general feeling of being down and useless.

I think I've previously blogged about those periods when the members of the ACeS team feel so low, and indeed it had been something we had grown accustomed to. I've been experiencing this since last year, but these days the depressions extends to a greater period of time. Of course I tried to search for what caused such thing, and I believe I have found it.

The reason why my depression seems to be getting worse is the development of an innate and genuine sense of: professionalism. I'm no longer the same carefree worker as I was before, and I have no plans to stagnate or regress.

The cause may actually be the effect, and the effect the cause, and the solution may be the problem, while the problem may not be a problem at all.It's quite ironic that three things that are quite positive in nature are having adverse effects when combined in not so good proportions. It's even funny, too, when you think that I didn't even realize it at once. The problem, as well as the answer to the problem, had been staring me at the face and I'm just ignoring them. I'm quite pathetic, really, but at least I know that I still have a lot to learn, and I'm learning them.

What that ordeal has taught me is this: there is always a cause and an effect, as well as a solution to every problem. But the cause may actually be the effect, and the effect the cause, and the solution may be the problem, while the problem may not be a problem at all.

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